You are Not Alone

In Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy wrote "happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I am a family lawyer. My job is to help my clients through the divorce with as least damage to themselves and their families as is possible. Each of my client’s has a different unhappy story . By the time they turn to me, it is usually too late to do anything other than help get them through the difficult passage from marriage to the single life.

Most people in our contemporary society marry for love. We may not always choose wisely, but rarely is there not a strong bond between a couple on their wedding day. The light in their eyes, the smiles on their faces, the eagerness to share the future. What happens to change that? Why are the bonds so easily and often broken? What turns that love to coldness, to anger, and even sometimes to hate?

Perhaps you know of someone who is or was in situations like these:

* * * * The young woman sat down heavily in the chair across from me. Obviously in an advanced stage of her pregnancy, she rested her folded hands resignedly on her protruding belly as she said to me "can you get me divorced before the beginning of the new school year?" After a 10 year marriage and three children under the age of 6, and expecting her fourth child within weeks, she wanted a divorce from her philandering husband…..

* * * *As the couple came in to my office, the husband was smiling, the wife’s face a mask of stone. They had come for their first session of mediation of their divorce settlement, and each was about to tell me his or her version of the how they arrived at this place in their lives. After introductions and the explanation of how mediation works, the wife looked at me and said "this is his idea, not mine." Her words and her face spoke volumes.. . .

* * * * The woman on the other end of the phone was inquiring whether or not it would be financially harmful for her mother to seek a divorce from her second husband. Both were in their 90’s and living in a nursing home, where they fought incessantly. . . . .

* * * *"I was a widow with three young daughters when I met him. He promised to take care of me and my children and make certain we were taken care of. But after 12 years of working without pay in his business, enduring his endless harangues against me and my religious beliefs, he wants to divorce me. He threatens me that if I fight him, I will not get a penny from him and that he will make me spend all my money on attorney’s fees."

* * * * "No," the woman seeking an order of protection against her husband responded to my question as to whether he hit her. "No, he head-butts me. Other than my nose and my arm, he’s never really broken any bones." . . . .

* * * *"My wife left me and our teenage daughters for a man she met on the internet. She moved away and left me with all the responsibility, all the bills. I work long hours and I worry what is happening to my children without their mother’s care and love."

For some people, problems continue even after divorces are final: former spouses fail to pay court ordered child support or maintenance; others attempt to prevent or interfere with the other parent’s parenting time; some expose children to drugs, are neglectful, or endanger their children.

Each story is different. Each marriage’s unhappiness is unique. Yet often there are similarities. Lost opportunities.

• TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE "She told me she wants a divorce and would not go to marriage counseling. I don’t understand. She kept after me to go to counseling and now she won’t go" 
• SEPARATE LIVES. "He goes out with his friends some nights; I go out with mine on other nights. We didn’t have time to go out together once our first child was born."
• LACK OF INTIMACY "We haven’t slept together in months, or even years."
• LACK OF KINDNESS. "He only finds fault with me. Nothing I ever do is good enough."
• LACK OF MUTUAL RESPECT " My wife thinks she’s the only one who ….."
• SECRECY. "My husband’s business trips have gotten longer and longer. I finally found a receipt from a hotel in Maui for a king-size suite. He told me he was going to California."
• BETRAYAL. "I discovered my husband had been having an affair for over 3 years with my best friend, the one I confided in. . ." 
• ANGER "The children are terrified of their father. The minute he walks in the door he starts yelling at me. We fight a lot and the kids hate it. My littlest one told me he hides under his covers when he hears the front door open, afraid that his dad has come home." 
• SELFISHNESS. "He stopped working so he doesn’t have to pay child support." "She uses my money to buy clothes for herself. When the children are with me, I have to take them shopping for school clothes."

Perhaps you recognize someone in these stories. Perhaps it’s not too late for them to make the changes to save their marriages. When to start? As soon as possible.

Attorney Sandra Rosenbloom assists clients in all matrimonial law matters--such as, collaborative and traditional divorce proceedings, custody, and post-decree modifications--in Cook County and Lake County, Illinois (IL)--including Chicago, Skokie, Northbrook, Northfield, Deerfield, Lake Forest, Highland Park, Glencoe, Wilmette, Winnetka, Evanston, Lake Bluff, Buffalo Grove, Vernon Hills, Gurnee, and Lincolnshire.